Today I come home from school
And what am i greeted to?
My mother asleep on in the couch, again.
It's not that that she is old, she is only 43.
Its just that after working 3.6 hours she is TIRED.
And how no, she cant go sleep in her room on her $5000.00 bed that she MADE my father buy, oh no. She has to sleep in the living room, with the TV on drama shit crap TV.
I came home soaking wet back I had left my jacket in her car this morning.
I had text messaged her and asked her to drop it off so i would have it for when i walked home from the bus stop.
Clearly she hadn't.
She had text messaged me back saying: Sorry. I cant. I have to go to work.
Want to know why?
Because she was on an ONLINE fucking casino! At 7:30AM I asked her, she didn't text me back until 9:46 AM.
All of our computers are in the living room.
My father has a laptop, he is fine with me keeping it in my room so we wont have too much power running from the living room breaker.
So after i took a hot shower to get warm i walk by my mother who is dead asleep on the couch, i grabbed the remote and changed the channel, then guess what?
She woke up, glared at me, she fucking glared at me and told me the TV was to loud! Her fucking drama TV had people SCREAMING and AXE murders
I was watching NCIS
So i just shut off the TV and go onto the laptop which had huge issues with the battery for a half in hour.
What does my mother do? Of course, she goes back to sleep.
I got off the laptop at 3:56PM and went into my room to take an after noon nap since I was tired from school. I leave a note on my computer, my door, and her computer it read: Please wake me up at 5:30PM. So I can have time to email my essay to my tutor.
I just got up at 7:14PM
I missed the deadline to email it in. My mother didn't bother to wake me up for dinner either.
So i come out, rather annoyed but i don't say anything. I turn on my computer, and log in.
My dad asked me for his laptop. I start to tell him it was having issues this after noon and he would have problems with. THEN suddenly my mother has to jump into the conversation saying: "He is YOUR father! It is HIS he can do what ever he wants with it!"
I look at her, she had nothing to fucking to do with it. And what does my father do? Oh nothing, nothing at all, for that is his wife, his wide is always right.
I tell her i know its his, and i was just trying to tell him so he wouldn't get pissed off. (My dad is NOT a computer type person so it if it doesn't work, he gets pissed off)
She jumps on me again before i can finish and says: YOU were giving him attitude! You need to learn to respect your father. He does so much for you! You should be grateful.

I got pissed off then, i dont take people getting into my face telling me i am disrespectful, my mother is 5 feet .5 inches tall, i stand 5 feet 7 inches tall. In that one moment i looked down at that woman, hands at my sides tightly clenched, boiling with rage and I told her. \"I.was.not.being.disrespectful.And.YOu.dont.need.to.tell.me.my.place.in.this.family.\"
She looked at me then walked closer to me, trying to get even farther into my face, and gave me a 'hard' look and said. "You have no right to speak that way to me."
And you know what? I just almost didnt care what i did, almost. The only thing that stopped me, what the fact that she is so small, i have my father's strength, his height, his temper, and his odd instinct to never hit or hurt women smaller than us. That was the only thing that stopped me from grabbing her by her shoulders and making her back out off of me.

Some would say in that moment, i snapped though. I said: "Fine, clearly in your eyes i will never be good enough for you. Maybe it would have been better if your birth control hadn't failed you." Yes, i was never met to be born, my parents got married when i was 4, i was at their cheat wedding at the court house, and why did they get married? insurance. Only fucking reason they got married! Because I was born, so my mother HAD to have insurance. I was told this this morning by my mother when i was oh so ungrateful that she was driving me to school.

And guess what she said to me? "You're half brother would have never been as disrespectful as you! I cant believe you dare treat us this way!"

My father brother, from my father's first marriage. Who got taken by his EX wife, i didn't learn about him until i was 14ish, But you know, i was always and will always be compared to his ghost. Or OTHER people's kids! Like the people my mom makes friends with on the online casino, she is ALWAYS telling me about "oh and HIS daughter has a 4.0 GPA and has a job and a very cute boyfriend."

I have a 3.7 GPA due to PE and my low science grades for two years.
And im not good enough for my family.
I will never be enough! I not go enough in anyone's eyes! I should have never been born!

I have to put up a fucking act every day of my life, that im happy, that everything is okay, nothing is wrong, i am loved.
When i was 12 i met a girl named Katelyn, she saw behind the mask i was wearing and tried to be a friend in an odd way.
I was desperate for anyone to be my friend and she saw that

I later met Nailo thanks to her

God... everyday i push down my feelings, go to school act happy, smile at people who cant see behind my mask of fake emotions, peoples who know me, just who i pretend to be. No one at school sees who i really am.

I have thought about killing my self 91 times since summer. I have never tried it, i have run away once, i am so hopeless i cant get out of this trap.

My father that used to be on my side during the fights, now sits on the side lines and lets her go full force at me, but the moment i DARE say anything even hurtful he steps in and tells me to NOT BE RUDE TO YOUR MOTHER.

I am nothing but a useless person
not good enough for anyone
never going to be good enough
never meant to be real
it would have been better if my half brother was here and i was never born
my father always talks fondly of him
my mother always has to rub it into my face that i am doing worse than some chick in private school in New York
I am already broken
clearly my parents know i like girls and guys
fuck if its my fault
but of course it IS my fault
everything in the world is my fault
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So i just have to say one thing: Fuck all of them

Fuck them and their so called perfect world i ruined
I dont care how much they dont like me
I will go to collage
I will become the Cardiac sonographer that i am prepping for
and you know what
i will leave them to rot in the this small town
I was never meant to be
so they wont miss me
or the money i make after i get through school
so fuck them all i am so sick of playing the puppet for these people
they dont love me
they were forced to take care of me, thanks to the pressure from my grandparents.


What a wonderful day, isnt it?